Learning to Let in and Let go

Since High school is over I keep thinking my life is over, It is a bit of a exaggeration but I can’t seem to  find a “niche”. I have some hobbies that I am developing, like crafting and YouTube. But I just can’t shake off the feeling that I am not living to my full potential. Everyday I wake up and think “routine” and it bothers me. I am so done asking the question ” What will god do or say?” Because I don’t feel like that is really him, but my way of holding back from what I know is achievable.

What is my Routine?

There are a few things that I know to be true for myself, and the first is that I need to get my health in order. I am a 200 something pounded 19 year old girl, who suffers from knee pain, back pain, Migraines, labored breathing and Hormones that are crazy.  I always had a problem with my weight, but I used excuses like ” I will have to wait until after high school, I will have more time” or “I don’t want to lose weight and leave my sisters behind” ( I’ll explain that one later)

I feel the need to rush into things, but now that I am done with school I am trying to get acquainted with time again. I keep reminding myself “Kalah, you have time.. take your time” If I think too hard I feel pressure and eventually that pressures turns into a big ball of stress which turns into a big lovely migraine. My weight is holding me back from a lot of things, I just know it and I am not afraid to confess it. Let me set the record straight, I am not one of those people who tell myself  ” I can get the guy if I lose a few pounds” Firstly, I haven’t met a men that is worth that much of anything. I also don’t believe in ” I could have gotten the interview if I was pretty or weigh less”. I believe and know from example that with a respectable personality and manner, you can win anyone.

But I know it is time for change. And I know that my weight is that change. It is this barrier of pain, and memories, heartbreak, heartache, disappointment, anger and confusion. All these little molecules are made of a Kalah who did not appreciate herself enough to care for herself. I sometimes voice out loud to my sister (the roommate) ” I don’t think I am lovable, how can a man love me” Because sometimes it just seems I am too less of a lot and too much of a lot. I now know that I am lovable, I am lovable not because I am loved by  man but because I am loved by me. I am leaving behind all weights, anything that held me to my old self. One of the reasons why I never let my self lose weight , is the fear that I will outshine my sisters. We are all very close and rarely change alone, if one person changes their hair someone will unconsciously make the decision to change theirs also. We are not copycats, we just feed off of each other. I don’t want to lose weight to be better than anyone, I just want to lose weight to be better than me. I have this memory in my mind of  my Father comparing my sisters and I. I was probably ten and I was a little chunky monkey, I loved Ballet and my mom often drove me to Savannah Georgia for Ballet rehearsals at the Martin Theater. When I wasn’t rehearsing, I was at home practicing Ballet and exercising with a old Pilates VHS. I remember the women exercising wore light blue tights, and a sports bra, she would stretch and I would stretch. My dads room door was right by the TV and he open it and came out, he was getting ready to go to the restaurant we owned. I remember he came out and looked at me then looked at my sisters who  were laying down on the couch and said loudly “Ya’ll better start exercising or Kalah’s going to get a nice fit body” I remember him going on about my sisters not being healthy, and it broke my heart because I did not like them being compared to me. I am by no means a perfect example of anything, I am just quiet all the time so people assume I  am a goody-too-shoe. Ballet ended shortly after that, I can’t remember my reasons for quitting, and Pilates ended not too long after that as well. I found other things to fill my time. Even though I was so young I woke up in the mornings and ran a deep pit behind my grandparents farm, I ran that pit every early morning, even when it was blazing hot.  I had this poor image that I was not enough, soI did things to make myself seem close to enough. I remember the first time I made myself puke up my food. I was eleven or maybe 12 and I was feeling bad for myself, I did not understand why I couldn’t lose the weight. I felt like I had done everything humanly possible. I can’t remember where the idea came from, my guess is that I got it from either a 1) Oprah show 2)Maury Show 3) Small Ville episode 4) One Tree Hill episode 5) TBN or the doctor show ER. I say that because  those were the only shows I really watched in the early 2000’s. I remember the gagly feeling I got, like someone was playing Ping-Pong on the back of my esophagus I felt sick immediately and began to suddenly hate the slime that collected on the inside of the toilet bowl. I thought I would never do it again and I was semi-right, I would never be successful at it again but I would make several attempts. I don’t know why I felt this way, but I do remember liking how I took care of my body, I did not understand that the “love” I was giving my body was not love at all, but would result to much pain in the future.

I lost myself in all those attempts, I lost something that I really enjoyed and that was dancing and exercising. I love Ballet, I LOVE DANCING. But I have purposely buried the memory and love under excuses like “I am too old” or ” I am too fat now” but there is this hope in me that one day I wont have to just dance in my room with the door shut,  that I can find my peace.

Now is the time. I feel that little girl that kicked-ass easing her way back. I remind myself constantly now that I haven’t always been fat, that there is a healthy girl-vibrant girl kicking around on the inside of me ( I’m not pregnant, the girl is me).

So my routine is hiding. That is what I do , did. I hid and I cried, when I should have just been dancing and being happy and healthy all these years. I am ready now to take back the body that belonged to me, to rock my beauty how I chose. And to have the Kalah back that I remember. This might take time, this might take pain and discomfort but I have NEVER been one to shy away from those things. It is very simple, I just need to do it.

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